Crazy in Alabama

"All the drunks have the newspaper on speed dial." That's what our now-retired receptionist used to say. Along with all the weirdos, lunatics and other crazies who populate the three counties the newspaper covers. They all call the newspaper, and some send us mail. I've learned to be very leery of anything that arrives in a plain white envelope with an address that was obviously typed on a typewriter. Computers are evil, you know. The aliens access your brain through them. And the humans (and aliens too, I assume) all want us to do a story on them, I suppose for the good of humanity.
One senior citizen female caller insisted that a) her neighbor was spying on her, by using her microwave oven to look inside her house and b)That people in the courthouse and indeed, over the P.A. system at Wal-Mart were saying she was a prostitute. She indignantly explained to me, "I'm 67 years old and I'm not interested in sex!!" I gently suggested she call her doctor for some tranquilizers, hoping he would get the hint and test her for dementia.
One guy we always called "The Milkman" used to call frequently, just to chat about anything bothering him that day. He got his name because he was vitally concerned that the milk the kids drink in the schools was contaminated with radiation. What is it about these folks and radiation? They've all got a fixation with it. I think I'm going to start telling them that we're stocked up on aluminum foil and they can come by and get a roll to line their windows and baseball caps. Keeps out the radiation and alien death rays, dont'cha know?
One woman e-mails us frequently, saying that a school cafeteria is serving substandard food and gets away with it because many of the students are minorities. She never gets specific about just what is substandard and says she eats lunch with her son "all the time" so she knows what she's talking about. One time is enough for me to eat bad food. What's with her?
E-mail has also opened up a whole new world of weirdness. We get missives from one particular group that asserts that Jesus is sick of running the earth and Heaven, and the Apostle Peter is fed up too, so they've turned the reins over to none other than the distinguished saint and great thinker, John--Lennon, that is. Yep. One of the Beatles is in charge of making sure the trains run on time, both here on earth, and in eternity. He doesn't know how long he'll have the job, but he is writing songs again, and channelling them through a woman on earth, who faithfully transcribes them. Funny how he got to Heaven and completely lost all his songwriting skills. Kind of sad, too.
Of course, no meditation on newspaper weirdness would be complete without mentioning the snail mail. Remember what I said about plain white envelopes? We used to receive occasional mailings from a man in Ohio who signed himself "Eugene/Jesus." Another one styled himself "George/God" and we even got the craziest faxes from some dude in California, who predicted that the return of the Hale-Bopp comet would bring the apocalypse and total power failure, and he had designed a motorbike which ran on an alternate fuel source, naturally. He also had a very concise list of sins and their punishment, either in Hell or Purgatory. It was quite informative. I now know I can fornicate five times without it going on my permanent record. After that, it's 200 years in Purgatory for this little tramp.
We also received an interesting letter from the Queen of Antarctica (imagine that!) who is currently residing in the long-term mental health care facility in town. Her daughter is the hereditary queen of Ireland and Africa, and says hi, too.
One of the most interesting things we got was from "The United Countries of the Solar System." That's what the envelope said, anyway. Inside are several calendars that apparently are supposed to mean something, and a communication from Adon Michael, from the constellation Orion. (I swear I am not making this up. I saved the letter). He says, "The Creator declared unto the Spirit of Truth: 'In flight the earth will appear to be in route to collide with Jupiter or Saturn, but that shall not happen; I will cause the planet earth to detour, multitudes of peoples shall view this spectacular scenery of designing a perpetual flag.'" And thoughtful Adon Michael (aka "the master metaphysician of this planet") included a picture of the new flag. Just goes to show the influence of the King James Version of the Bible. If it doesn't sound like 17th century English, it just ain't prophecy!! That holds true for 99 percent of "the end is near" letters we get, too.
It's a broad subject, and I haven't even gotten to the farmer who thought the CIA was hiding out under his trailer! But that's a story for another time.
Pardon me, but I have to interview another minor god who wants to rule the world in peace and utter domination.