Knowing too much

Sometimes, the miracles of modern medicine means your doc can know a little too much about you. I like my doctor and had to do the yearly physical thing. Her verdict? "Well, we're to the point that, if you want to stay on birth control, I'll have to give you something for your blood pressure." See, I've been flirting with hypertension for years. Yeah, a risk of being fat. Tell me something I didn't know. Also my overly stressful job. See some older posts for a picture.

Soooo, I'll get my scrip filled, take it dutifully and look at diets for high blood pressure. Let's see. For optimal health, I need to avoid: alcohol, chocolate, sugar, salt, butter, meat, fat, pasta, breads, ad infinitum. Which leaves me with a lettuce and broccoli salad with grapes and cashews on top. Yay. Of course, then there's the studies that suggest extremely low-fat diets are not healthy, either, when controlling hypertension.

I have come to the conclusion no one knows what we really should eat and should avoid. Years ago, if you had heart disease, you were supposed to avoid eggs like the plague, because of the cholesterol content. Nowadays, eggs aren't off limits, because they contain "good" cholesterol. Red wine ostensibly can help heart patients, but docs say don't start drinking it if you don't already drink. Huh?

My main goal right now is to get the junk food out of my diet. In years past, I didn't eat that much. However, the past couple of years, I've eaten way more of it than I ever have, probably. I'll try to eat more fruits and vegetables. I don't salt my food that much, so that's not such a problem, but I'll have to watch the sodium content of any soup or other food I buy that I don't make. I've resolved I'll exercise more. I got out of that habit when Mama broke her hip and running back and forth to the nursing home all the time left me too worn out to do much of anything.

All my life, all I've ever wanted is to be slender. And all my life, all I've ever been is fat. It's very difficult to accept yourself and love yourself when the world around you vilifies you for being what you are. I've dieted, exercised until I could barely crawl up the stairs, gone to support groups-- you name it. And still I'm fat. People see the obese as lazy, weak-willed, stupid, ignorant, neglectful--and in some cases, that's true. It's also true of slender people. I've spent my entire life in self-loathing because I don't look like the fashion magazines. I despise myself and the way I look. I avoid mirrors and never allow my picture to be taken, if I can help it. I wish the greatest compliment in the world someone could pay me was NOT, "Wow! You look like you've lost weight!" I live and die by my weight, which is why I rarely step on a scale. I can't stand it. It's just too painful to work out, eat right and do everything I can, and see that stupid needle on the scale hardly budge.

And when people think they are doing me some kind of favor by pointing out my obesity, or by letting me know Weight Watchers is available, well thanks. I know I'm fat and I know a lot of people have a lot of success in Weight Watchers. And if I made about $10 more an hour, maybe I could afford to go. As it is, I'm pretty much on my own in this venture. I've considered lap-band surgery, but I don't know.

If anyone reads this, say a prayer for me. I need it. I still believe in God's good purpose in my life. I just need a little miracle, right now.